With people, with things, with the past.
In one year, I lost my love, my best friend and my sanity. Not necessarily in any particular order. I made decisions about my life purely because of the phrase that echoes in my head “I love you, but I love me more”. And truth be told, I am unsure whether it is worth it to reconsider it, because when your being is at stake, certain things you cannot allow yourself. Let’s start explaining this like that:
When I was little, my biggest fear was going to the hairdresser. There was something terrifying about the idea of losing my hair, and although my mother used to assure me that soon enough, new and voluminous strands will grow in its place, this did not make me feel any better. Essentially, we react the same way to losing people as we react to losing material things, not because we are self-absorbed or avaricious, but because we associate “loss” with bitterness, sadness, grief. What if we explore a different aspect of cutting ties, the one which makes it actually vital?
Standing somewhere without knowing why
“People come and go” – something we hear on a regular basis either from parents or concerned friends, but what lies behind this absolute cliché? Truth is, we all understand its essence, but find it quite hard letting go of persistent memories with someone. Not everyone is blessed with selective memory and although to erase someone might seem a desired option, it is not only unachievable, but not beneficial for your life onwards (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind vibes anyone?). Because what is life without lessons, and how are lessons obtained without experience, either bad or good? Yes, we find it hard not to let go of people themselves, but of memories and habits we have formed. We associate the little bar we used to sing karaoke in, the flower shop we picked up lavender for our flats, the spinning classes and the perfumes we used to borrow from eachother… we associate the former things with them, the people we so desperately are trying to let go of. That is purely because we fall in love and form this connection with the soul of the person, not with their physical appearance nor with their being, that is why when someone asks us “Why do you like that person?”, we answer “I don’t know, I just do.”, because people are predisposed to establishing bonds with a character rather than a body. For this reason, I say that sometimes I find myself standing somewhere without knowing why, because my soul aches for one more spinning class, one more adventure to zone 20 of London, one more dinner at the Moroccan Restaurant on Heddon street.
Can’t go further than this
We all reach a point of limit, don’t we? Limit to how much we can give out to accommodate someone else. Firstly, because as we grow, we change, isn’t that the easiest and most straightforward thing to consider, we develop with years, big deal, what is so unusual about that? We don’t feel the change. We do not know we have changed until we see how different we are from the person we love- suddenly we don’t like lavender anymore, and we don’t want to sing, we don’t want to eat moroccan food and don’t want to watch war documentaries before bed. Those are metaphors, of course, due to privacy issues, but what I essentially mean is that we suddenly can’t walk on the same path anymore, we cannot meet halfway because nobody wants to make one more step ahead. Why should I move if he/she doesn’t want to? No, it is not a stubborn move, it is simply human. When you don’t share with a person the same ambitions, interests and goals, don’t you feel like as hard as you push and try, one of you will always feel miserable? Either you, because you are trying, or them, because they don’t try enough.
3 words, 8 letters
I learned to say goodbye despite the pain and the memories, because the bridges I walked on with the ones I loved crumbled in the middle, and nobody wanted to repair it and join the other, we simply took different paths and parted with a clean conscience. We tried, but we cared too much for ourselves to mend what was broken. I really don’t blame anyone, we had nothing to gain by fixing over and over again what were the remainings of a burned castle. I was diagnosed with anxiety over the summer and although it sounds like one of those overused conditions, it affects your relationships with people – you question yourself and them, you ache for attention that is more than the one received and mostly, you learn to be stronger and colder to isolate yourself from the pain and shivers going through your body on a daily basis. My problems mostly came from the strength, because not many people react well to it, it intimidates, it pressures and it pushes you to a state of competition, think “balance of power” in realism. Something my doctor told me was “Don’t be afraid to cut off people that do not make you feel comfortable with yourself.”, but how could I cut someone I shared a bed with for two years? How could I throw away promises for the future and feelings so deep that made me question my rationality? Turns out, they made the decision before me. I was in a dark hole for what felt like 10 long years. The world was on mute and the remote was in someone else’s hands. But I had no other option, but to breathe and continue my life, I couldn’t grieve for someone that simply wasn’t the same person anymore, someone that didn’t want to hold my hand like he did a year ago, and that’s okay, because I understand. Because our sanity matters most. Because I left my troubles take over my body instead of reacting earlier on and cutting off things that poisoned my blood, not because they were bad, but because they changed. You can’t take care of a cocoon forever, when it turns into a butterfly. You can’t continue eating chocolate bars, when you become allergic to cocoa. And some people don’t get that, but it is good if they do, for their own sake. Fighting is worth it, but every war has an end, if you keep fighting for a cause that changed overtime, why continue for the sake of fighting?
Don’t give up on loving people, continue cherishing them, having fondness of them, keeping track of how they are and remembering with a smile on your face the way you looked into eachother’s eyes. But don’t force what poisons both of you.
That being said, I firmly believe that it is necessary that we cut ties with certain people in our lives at one point or another. That, however, does not mean forgetting memories or being indifferent takes place, we simply continue caring deeply about those we have left in one way or another, but with knowledge that we have to take on another path.